You will never know, my dear child, how you became my whole world, you changed my whole world and you will always be my world. “Ugh, Mom, you never pay attention to me!” my eldest son said angrily the other day. The dᴇʟɪᴄᴀᴛᴇ Fᴇᴀᴛᴜʀᴇs ᴄʀᴜᴍᴘʟᴇᴅ of him in his face as he crossed his arms and Fʀᴏᴡɴᴇᴅ at me.
I tried not to laugh out loud as I pulled her closer to me, remembering the months we spent together, alone, just her and me. The days I literally spent holding her, the hours I spent reading with her, the naps we shared, the way she was my whole world, and how she changed my whole world. You will never know how she can beat a heart out of her body, steady and strong, unwavering in her dedication to you. The truth, my daughter, you will never know how I studied you, each freckle on your nose an imprint on my heart, your features so new and at the same time familiar.
You’ll never know the way I watched you sleep, echoes of “You must sleep when the baby sleeps!” filling my head, but I couldn’t look away, so in awe of the simple fact that you were here, that you once resided nestled inside of me. You will never know the turns I took, the ᴡᴇᴀʀɪɴᴇss sᴇᴛᴛʟɪɴɢ in my ʙᴏɴᴇs like me ʜᴜsʜᴇᴅ and ʙᴏᴜɴᴄᴇᴅ and ᴘʀᴀʏᴇᴅ, wishing you find ᴘᴇᴀᴄᴇ against the pain that I didn’t know was in your womb. You will never know the decisions that seemed so big at the time: Bʀᴇᴀsᴛ Fᴇᴇᴅɪɴɢ or not? Lifetime ban on French fries or giving in early? Organic strawberries or save money? You’ll never know how my breath catches when I see you, how amazing it is when you seem to grow overnight, when you move with the grace of a woman but you sleep like the baby I once held.
You will never know how I love watching you grow, how I see everything you do for your brothers, how you carry the burden of being the oldest, and a girl, with such grace. You will never know that I still watch you when you sleep, that I will never stop brushing the loose hair from your eyes so I can see your beautiful face. You will never know the anger a mother can feel when someone crosses her little girl, the way my stomach aches for you when you get nervous, the way I feel what you feel. You will never know how my biggest Fᴇᴀʀ in life is losing you, is that you walk away from me, slowly as you grow. You will never know how each step, each breath, each time I see you think of another, each story you tell, each movement you make, makes me marvel at the gift you are.
You will never know, my dear child, how you became my whole world, you changed my whole world and you will always be my world. But I `m here. Even when you think I’m not. And that is a promise.